A Matter Of Pride

This is a long-delayed post from a few years back, 
that got buried in the mire; unearthed now, as it seems. 
For posterity purposes, perhaps. 


Learning from the lessons of the past.





Now that the storm has cleared, so has ours.
Four months is not a very long time.
But for us, it was an eternity.
Now that all's been said and done,
it'd be easy to say it's all gravy
from here on in, but it's nothing to boast about.
Sure, a sigh of relief is expected, and a period
of de-stressing's in order.
But, like she said a few weeks ago, now that
everything's in the past, you can only relive it
in your mind, and think of the what-if's and the
what-might-have-been's.
True.

What if I had 'lowered' my pride, so to speak,
and kowtowed to another chance?
Noble, at the very least, would be the word.
Also, risky.
But, risk is all part of the game.
Nothing risked, nothing gained.
God, I hate overused sayings.
But, there you go.

Yeah, what if..?
She says, I wouldn't give up my pride and run after her.
That's why she 'ran away..'
Clearly, she was waiting for me to say something,
aside from my constantly pointing out her mistakes and
failures, which she had been begging me to openly blurt
out since day one.
I am not very vocal about things like these,
especially with her. Past experiences shaped me this way.
And to avoid conflicts from escalating into bigger ones,
I decidedly opted to be non-confrontational.
Sometimes to my detriment.
But, these past few weeks, I could no longer
let things transpire as they usually would,
so I began voicing out sentiments.
So, now that I express how I feel, it's considered
destructive criticism.
Foul, she cries.
Now that I'm talking (back), she can't handle it?
Did she think I'd let her do all the talking?
This is a two-way street.
There's no one-way sign.
Speaking of one-way..
She sent this message not too long ago..

If you want my game, play by my rules.

So it's like that?
She wants a slave, not a boyfriend.
A servant, not a lover.
A 'boy,' not an equal.

She also said
"I love you but you're so torpe.."
Honey, excuse me..
it's not a matter of being torpe..
I wanted to make sure.
In an unsure situation such as ours, in this unsure world we live in,
where you consider yourself as a sigurista.. well, so am I.
Y'know, it's more than a matter of pride.
It's about her pride, too.
If she has hers, so do I.
And the thing is, we're just too proud
of ourselves to give in to each other.
So much for equality.

I would have given in, had I also been
given some semblance of assurance that past failures
and errors would be corrected.
Not so much of a promise, but an equal effort to
make things work.
But clearly, she just wanted ME to change, and
carry on with herself, unchanged, intact, as is.
In other words, I change, and she doesn't.
Take it, or leave it.
I would have been more than happy to
give her her fair share,
but she's not exactly communicating clearly enough.
Sayang.
She said that I wasn't much of a boyfriend, and
I retorted that "I can be a great boyfriend,"
which she replied with "then prove it.." to which
I say, she never gave me the chance.
Coz everytime I'd like to do something nice,
because she does something nice for me, she brings it
toppling all down, with her erratic, belligerent behavior.
Why is it that issues need to be made,
where they are obviously unnecessary?

Which brings us to where we are now.
It's funny how she says I have the nerve of
checking out her blog.
And why shouldn't I?
It's a free world.
It's an online blog, deal with it.
But, she keeps herself updated of my video links
via news feed, commenting on something I posted, then
decidedly deleted, and assumes it's for a reason she
conjures in her mind.
When, for the record, it had nothing to do with her,
whatsoever.
Now, that's the nerve, hahaha!
She's the proverbial pot that call the kettle black.

In retrospect, you've gotta hand it to Carole King.
Her forty year old classic ringed true then, as it does today.

Two prides that don't want to give in
have no place together in the world.
Still, I would have given in,
been chivalrous, kind, and maybe even
gentlemanly.
Which is not a bad thing.
The question remains..
would it be worth it?

Because four months of fighting is not a relationship.
I may not have given as much as I took,
but perhaps the little things I gave,
maybe in their own little way, albeit
small and shortlived, may have meant something.
Even if just a little.

And though she's no longer the official girl,
but the official(ly history) girl lol..
I can't help but (still) feel sorry for her.
Had she not seen my candidness and honesty,
instead of interpreting it as arrogance; had she
realized that she, too, was as bullheaded and
pathologically hurtful, things could've turned
out pretty differently.
She doesn't sulk, she says.
She comes out better from a crisis, she says.
Does she, really?
From this one?
If she doesn't sulk; neither do I gloat.
And I'm not gloating.
I'm not happy how this ended.
Nor happy it ended, period.
Nor happy.

But the storm's over.
Tomorrow, the sun will shine.

It more than just a matter of pride.