She's got hers, I know.
Not just now, but ever since.
She doubts I care for her.
Sincerely.
She doubts I'm over my ex.
Completely.
She even doubts that I love her.
Truly.
I mean, she even thinks I'm
"forcedly sweet."
It could be two things..
One is..
I'm forcing it; which I'm not.
I'm like this.
I should know; I'm me.
No one knows me better, than me.
The other is..
Maybe she isn't used to it.
You be the judge.
Either way.. that hurts.
It really does.
As for the rest..
let's take them one by one.
She doubts I care for her.
I'm sure she'll be the first
to say that I've shown this,
numerous time, if I may add.
Not in the extremely, out-on-a-limb
kinda way, but I have.
I believe, like the little things,
the little ways, count.
Let my actions speak for itself.
She doubts I'm over my ex.
Yes, I still have contact with her.
Yes, she still texts me..
and I text her, too.
We're friends.
Just friends.
That's all we are now.
I know it's a foreign concept
for her..
She even mentioned to me once
"How do you do it? Be friends
with your ex-es??"
Come to think of it,
I don't know.
But, going back to ex..
Sure, we spent a long time
together; five years.
But, does longevity count,
even if it lacked substance,
or direction.
We weren't exactly legal..
everything was covert.. underground..
a black ops romance.
And when push came to shove,
when backs were against the wall,
walls came crumbling down,
together with hopes, dreams,
and so-called love..
Plus, the other covert ops
that transpired without my
knowledge, that I learned of
later, which led to her current
err, predicament.
It's all the proverbial
water under the bridge.
Even that, she doubts.
But, it is what it is.
So, we're friends now.
She knows it's us now.
And, that's that.
She may be wondering, though..
Do I still love her?
Perhaps, but..
not in the same way as before.
Things are different now.
Too many things have happened
that've changed everything.
I can't trust her,
the way I used to.
I can't trust her, period.
So how do you expect me to
love her?
I care for her, yes.
As a friend.
But, that's about it.
I draw the line.
And since it's us, now..
the line is deeper, more so.
And, that's that.
She doubts I love her.
I know it's only been over
a month, now.. and in that
short span of over thirty days or so,
a lotta things've happened.
Good things.
I met her Mom..
I met her bro..
Nice.
I know how much it means to her.
It means a lot to me, too.
Why?
Coz she's shown me a sincerity
I've rarely (or never) seen.
A sincerity borne out of love.
And damn me to hell, if I don't
love her more for that.
Which brings us to..
the rhetorical question
that remains.
Do I love her?
Allow me to answer this query
with others.
Would I spend time with her if I didn't?
Would I bother taking her with me to
our gigs, if I didn't?
Would I bother introducing her to my
friends, if I didn't?
Would I bother meeting the closest
and most beloved people in her life,
if I didn't?
Would I spend my entire weekend with her,
talking about anything and everything
sleepless at a fastfood resto
in the heart of Sin City
'til the mid-Sunday hours, if I didn't?
And speaking of Sunday..
would I give up my Sundays to do
o.t., to save up for a late-2011
vacay with her, if I didn't?
Would I, if I didn't?
You be the judge.
So now, she withdraws.
To give each other
the proverbial "space."
< sigh >
To find myself; and for her to
find herself, as well.
We lose ourselves, sometimes,
in the midst of being together,
there's the great tendency
to lose oneself.
In giving yourself,
heart n' soul,
you lose yourself.
And sometimes..
sometimes..
you find yourself,
in that
someone else's self.
Y'know, if she needs to talk
to someone, to let loose all her frustrations, her paranoia,
to let it all off her chest, and help spew that bothersome
lump in her throat, she could've talked to me!
Not her cuz (whom, by the way, doubts me like La Niña
and the government, or worse), not Mr. Platonic, nor young Virgo
(duh), but me!
Me!
She should try that, once.
Coz little does she know..
she's no longer alone.
Not in her feelings,
not in her thoughts.
She's got me.
There's no longer
a you.. nor a me.
There's you n' me, now.
Us.
We two.
What the hell d'ya think
I'm here for??
Talk to me,
fer frakk's sake!!
