Always Be My Baby (Slight Revision)

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now I wanted to be free
So you let me fly
'Cause you knew in your heart babe
Our love will never die, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on and on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

You didn't cry, no
And you didn't beg me to stay
I was so determined to leave, girl
And you didn't stand in my way

But inevitably I'm back again
'Cause I know in our hearts babe
Our love will never end, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

Baby, I was wrong
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way I'll ever shake you, babe
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

Well, here I am, I'm back girl
Coz my days and my nights've been a little bit colder, oh
I know that you'll be back, too babe
Baby believe me, it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

In limbo

Struggling..

Missing her..

Epiphany

All this time, I've been in denial.
This thing called 'ego' is a bitch.
One that needs to be slayed.
All this time, she was right there
in front of me.. and I merely ignored
her.
Regret truly comes at the end of the story,
not in the middle nor in the beginning.
Like my grandma used to say "nasa huli ang
pagsisisi.."
How true.
Now that I've realized that I had everything
I was looking for, and hoped to ever have,
she's gone.
I saw her yesterday, in the hopes that I could
win her back. I poured out my heart to her,
telling her how I really felt, and how I was
sorry for putting her through all the shit for
the past four months.
I don't blame her for leaving, quitting, and giving up.
I drove her away, and for that I'm truly sorry.
If only I had treated her right.
She'd still be mine.
She told me she forgave me, and that I should forgive
myself as well.

I just want to say that she did more in those four harrowing
months than my ex did in five years.
That's the God honest truth.
I downplayed her great unselfish deeds and didn't give her
the credit that was due her.
I'm such an asshole.
And as much as I'd like to forgive myself to be able to
move on, this is one thing I don't know if I will be able to.

I know she finds it hard to believe that I love her.
I told her, "I love you.."
too late.
I hardly said it, if at all, and hardly showed it.
Fleeting snatches here and there, but mostly blurred by ego and pride.
Ego and pride.
How I hate you.
And I know that there's this tiny miniscule of feeling left.
I could see it in her eye, when I asked her if she no longer
wanted me.. she didn't say it, but she asked me if I wanted her
to say it. These are words no one ever wants to hear; but I feel
that she does. It's an unexplainable feeling.
But, it's there.
I know she's afraid it'll just be more bullcrap like before.
That's why she sought solace in someone else.
And I don't blame her.
Though it puts me in a maddening limbo-like state,
there isn't much I can do about it.
Though she's severed communication, I only dwell in the hopes
that I may get the chance to make her feel my love,
perhaps in the future.
When, in her words, I am the better 'me.'
Hope is the only thing I have left.
It's not much, but it's something, better than nothing.

She thinks I'm just being impulsive, that it's only a
'flashback' reminiscing kinda thing I have for her now.
It's not.
It's my realization of having had the love of your life
in your life, and not loving it, cherishing it, and caring for it.
She is indeed a big loss.
Why would I bother pursuing it, if she wasn't?
If she wasn't worth anything?
And to speak of her worth, it's immeasurable.
The wonderful things she did for me; unselfish things.
The unselfish love, is simply amazing, and cannot be
passed off as mere gestures of kindness.
She really really loved me.
And I was such an asshole.

I would like her back in my life.
But, at this moment in time, I'm not too sure about it.
She's on to other things; and I know I am probably but a faint
memory in her mind now.
She said that I should grow up, and move on.
I'm all for that; it's about time.
But, I would've preferred that I grow up, and grow with her.
Admittedly, I may not grow as exponentially as she,
and she's light years in thinking for her age.
Another thing that I love about her.
I told her that I needed her, because she always steered me
in the right direction, whenever I go astray, which was almost always.
She told me to just read all our previous advice-laden chats.
If she only knew that they may all be there, eyes only.
But, I miss hearing it all from her herself.
I used to ignore these, at times in disdain, thinking
that it was merely nagging; to a certain extent, she had to nag
the stubborn me, but the advice was pure.
It's one thing to read the good advice; but the nurturing
feeling that goes with the advice being espoused
directly from her lips.
I never thought I'd say it, but I truly miss that.

I miss her.
I miss everything about her.
I even miss all the "bad" things that she did,
that I thought were part of her 'dark side,' but in retrospect,
they were all adverse reactions to MY 'bad' things, MY 'dark side..'
Why would I even miss all the 'bad' stuff, if I didn't love her?

And I do.
I miss her. And I love her.
I miss her loving.
We met once at the mall, me sitting in a bookstore,
browsing a book and she came up behind me, and hugged
my neck, planting a kiss.
Those little things, I miss.
I miss you.

She once told me "I'll give you the love that you deserve.."
and she did. Higit pa.
How I wish I didn't fuck things up.
I fucked up, bigtime.
And I'm sorry I did.
'It's a cycle..' she said, and I should break it.
Shards of the ex, disrupting the current.
I should cut it off, and come clean.
But, it's different now.
My ex, though we spent five years together, did do
things in a way, they were shallow and meaningless.
Trivial, at best.
I admit it when she said that we lasted that long,
because we were both shallow. She got us there, spot-on.
And that's what makes her different, and this situation
different from my ex.
She's not shallow. She's deep. She's meaningful.
I realized this too late, and I long for this.
I want her to be part of my life again.
I'm going back, instead of forward,
in the hopes of getting her back.
Why?
Because she was the one girl who really REALLY loved me,
and loved me for who I was, faults and all, and never,
as that song goes, wanted to ever make me change for her.
She's the real deal.
True and genuine.
And that's why I love her.
Albeit slow and late.
I'm slow, and I hate it.
Karma's a bitch, when you're slow
and at the receiving end.
And I hate myself for it.

And though I tried the best as I could to win her back,
other forces are in play. I may have minor advantages,
such as geography, and physical presence, the latter has
been negated.
And she's feeling something for this guy.
Albeit distant, it lays waste to the shitload of crap
I dealt her in the past.
And I hate myself for that, too.

Will I get through to her? Do I think she sees the sincerity
and honesty in me; or does she just see right through me?
Thinking of it has taken its toll on me.
In many ways than one.
I'll try to not think about it, and let fate do its job.
Maybe, maybe not; I don't know.
No one knows.
Maybe she knows.
She asked me, "what am I gonna do?"
alluding to the fact that I told her my feelings.
I said "only you can say what happens next."
It'd be unfair to tell her to dispense with the other,
and carry on with me.
I want her to decide.
And I know in my heart, that there's still something there.
She may be afraid that it'll be the same ol' song and dance.
But, I know, too, in my heart, that I want it to be different.
I want things to be better. Greater.
I want everything to be open. Free. Clear. And moving in the
same direction.
And have a truly give-and-take relationship.
Not her giving, and me taking, and not giving anything in return.
None of that bullshit.
No more.
There are a lot of things I'd like to change in my life.
But, there are also things that I can't change, such as
the things that make me who I am. I know I couldn't possibly
change the things that define me.
But, I can always alter it a bit, and make it a better components
of the machinery that is me.
I just hope it's not too late.
She said I should fix things within my life.
I'm all for that, and I am.
Having her in my life is the one thing I want.
That's all.
I don't ask for much.
I don't need material things.
I need her.
I want her.
Because, after all is said and done, in the end..
we both want the same things.

I love you, Ella.

The urge

The urge is creeping in.
Being a loner, but never alone
can be tough.
Like they say.. at the end of the day,
you're alone.
With your thoughts; with yourself.
Me, myself and I.
But, the urge..
it creeps, still.
Sometimes, I'd like to give in
but having gone through what I have..
it makes me think twice.
Thrice.
Tenfold.
To the power of ten.
Funny how psychosis can scar.
For now, solace.
Back to solitude.

Fin

I didn't take too long to sink in.
It usually does.
But, not this time.
That moment when you know that it's really,
truly over.
Is when it's the most real.
You find yourself unknowingly
teary-eyed, and don't quite know why..
but deep down, you do.
It's not the fear of solitude.
Nor is it just the guilt.
It's more than that.
But, sometimes you just can't put your
finger on it, directly.
Did in by so many things.
But, did in, just the same.
Yeah, it was my fault.
All of it.
My inattentiveness.
My refusal.
My denial.
My laziness.
My selfishness.
My pride.
My ego.
My all.
It's all there, and it's all me.

After all has been said and done,
I wish I had done more.
But you can only do so much.
I could have done more; but I
refused to give what I did.
Or just refused.

Now, all I'm left with is this
guilt.
Painful guilt.
No amount of Eric Carmen, nor
John Denver, nor Adele posts
can wash it away.
By the way, that Adele song
was misconstrued to be for
someone else. It's not.
It's for her.
The latest "her."
It may not play out
word-for-word, but
sentiment-wise..
it's spot-on.

True, I may, someday, find
someone like you.. maybe better.
Maybe not.
Maybe I may not find anyone
at all.
Like you, or otherwise.
Maybe I'm just afraid of
myself too much, to think
that things may (not) repeat
itself (again).

What I do know is that
it hurts.
Perhaps, for now.
But, it hurts.

Doubts

She's got hers, I know.
Not just now, but ever since.
She doubts I care for her.
Sincerely.
She doubts I'm over my ex.
Completely.
She even doubts that I love her.
Truly.
I mean, she even thinks I'm
"forcedly sweet."
It could be two things..
One is..
I'm forcing it; which I'm not.
I'm like this.
I should know; I'm me.
No one knows me better, than me.
The other is..
Maybe she isn't used to it.
You be the judge.
Either way.. that hurts.
It really does.

As for the rest..
let's take them one by one.

She doubts I care for her.
I'm sure she'll be the first
to say that I've shown this,
numerous time, if I may add.
Not in the extremely, out-on-a-limb
kinda way, but I have.
I believe, like the little things,
the little ways, count.
Let my actions speak for itself.

She doubts I'm over my ex.
Yes, I still have contact with her.
Yes, she still texts me..
and I text her, too.
We're friends.
Just friends.
That's all we are now.
I know it's a foreign concept
for her..
She even mentioned to me once
"How do you do it? Be friends
with your ex-es??"
Come to think of it,
I don't know.
But, going back to ex..
Sure, we spent a long time
together; five years.
But, does longevity count,
even if it lacked substance,
or direction.
We weren't exactly legal..
everything was covert.. underground..
a black ops romance.
And when push came to shove,
when backs were against the wall,
walls came crumbling down,
together with hopes, dreams,
and so-called love..
Plus, the other covert ops
that transpired without my
knowledge, that I learned of
later, which led to her current
err, predicament.
It's all the proverbial
water under the bridge.
Even that, she doubts.
But, it is what it is.
So, we're friends now.
She knows it's us now.
And, that's that.
She may be wondering, though..
Do I still love her?
Perhaps, but..
not in the same way as before.
Things are different now.
Too many things have happened
that've changed everything.
I can't trust her,
the way I used to.
I can't trust her, period.
So how do you expect me to
love her?
I care for her, yes.
As a friend.
But, that's about it.
I draw the line.
And since it's us, now..
the line is deeper, more so.
And, that's that.

She doubts I love her.
I know it's only been over
a month, now.. and in that
short span of over thirty days or so,
a lotta things've happened.
Good things.
I met her Mom..
I met her bro..
Nice.
I know how much it means to her.
It means a lot to me, too.
Why?
Coz she's shown me a sincerity
I've rarely (or never) seen.
A sincerity borne out of love.
And damn me to hell, if I don't
love her more for that.
Which brings us to..
the rhetorical question
that remains.

Do I love her?

Allow me to answer this query
with others.
Would I spend time with her if I didn't?
Would I bother taking her with me to
our gigs, if I didn't?
Would I bother introducing her to my
friends, if I didn't?
Would I bother meeting the closest
and most beloved people in her life,
if I didn't?
Would I spend my entire weekend with her,
talking about anything and everything
sleepless at a fastfood resto
in the heart of Sin City
'til the mid-Sunday hours, if I didn't?
And speaking of Sunday..
would I give up my Sundays to do
o.t., to save up for a late-2011
vacay with her, if I didn't?
Would I, if I didn't?
You be the judge.

So now, she withdraws.
To give each other
the proverbial "space."
< sigh >
To find myself; and for her to
find herself, as well.
We lose ourselves, sometimes,
in the midst of being together,
there's the great tendency
to lose oneself.
In giving yourself,
heart n' soul,
you lose yourself.
And sometimes..
sometimes..
you find yourself,
in that
someone else's self.

Y'know, if she needs to talk
to someone, to let loose all her frustrations, her paranoia,
to let it all off her chest, and help spew that bothersome
lump in her throat, she could've talked to me!
Not her cuz (whom, by the way, doubts me like La Niña
and the government, or worse), not Mr. Platonic, nor young Virgo
(duh), but me!
Me!
She should try that, once.
Coz little does she know..
she's no longer alone.
Not in her feelings,
not in her thoughts.
She's got me.
There's no longer
a you.. nor a me.
There's you n' me, now.
Us.
We two.
What the hell d'ya think
I'm here for??
Talk to me,
fer frakk's sake!!

Luvin' every minute of it

Ahhh luv..

I (almost) forgot just how
great a sensation you are.
Almost, but.. not quite.
Yesterday, I slept soundly
in my usual daylight hours,
that I missed my baby's
four calls. Mid-afternoon
attempts at returning them
proved futile, as I had run
out of the required load.
Shite.

Navigating a new (?)phone is
always a bitch. Can I just
say that, it's twice the bitch
for cheap China knockoffs.
I'm slowly convinced that
impulse purchase was totally
uncalled for.
But, I'm rambling and
getting derailed again.

It's great to be in love again.
I know how frommage-y that
sounds, and its vomit-worthy
propensity to make you
hurl your cookies;
but fuck..
we're talkin' about me here.
After the tumultuous upheaval
that was my last so-called
relationship, I, like I said,
almost forgot..
..until she rescued me.

Funny thing is..
I didn't want to be rescued,
at first.
I thought I was being strong
like that. That I could weather
any and all storms.
That I could
let my pride and ego be
my divining rod through the
parched, barren, and scorched
steppes of planet heart,
burned beyond recognition to the
tenth degree..
I was beyond healing.
Or so I thought.
Or felt.
There were attempts to
reach out; to be touched, by her.
But I was yet beyond reasonable
comprehension.
Or perhaps, I comprehended,
but could not reason
with myself.

But, something happened.

It's not like I didn't
make attempts of my own,
to reach out;
to others.
But they didn't have the
right "feel."
Somehow, you know.
You go in, you get into
something, and you just know..
somehow, it doesn't feel right.
Pursuing Office girl was
definitely, absolutely
out.. of.. the.. question.
Interoffice affairs are a no-no.
Scratch that.

More so for Office girl 2.
She sounds like a b-movie sequel (lol)..
in reality, she was choice #1.
But she, too, was a no-no.
She was already attached,
thus unavailable.
Scratch two.

Then, there was Office girl's friend.
That didn't feel quite right, either.
Y'know the feeling, judging from
her likes, you just know that
a quick note comparison will
tell you she is soooo not for you.
A beer-swilling party girl-type
was never what my
future gf'd look like.
Not in my wildest imagination.
And, I have had some wild imaginings,
believe you me.

Then, there was Call center girl.
This spelled longshot, from the get-go.
And I do mean loooooooooooooooooongshot.
How long?
How far is the moon?
That long.
She was the friend of a friend.
The latter friend, being the younger sis
of a good friend.
The connections itself, were haywire.
Suffice it to say, this had adios
written all over it.
< shakes head, smiling >

Not that I was running out of options.
The world was my oyster.
But, turns out..
there was only one apple of my eye.
And I had not known it yet;
even if this apple hit me smack
dab in the proverbial blind eye.
I don't believe in epiphanies.
So.. I won't call it one.
Revelation, perhaps..

I'd be a total hypocrite
if I'd say I hadn't thought of
us being together.
I mean, we were well on our way.
Albeit haphazardly.
But, I said I wasn't ready..
that I couldn't give what I didn't have.
And I meant it.
But deep inside, there was something.
I knew it.
She knew it.
I guess, it was just
a matter of time.
But, her being her..
she did not have the
luxury of time.
Or so she said.
She's anal like that.
I, on the other hand,
can't say I had the
luxury of time.
I just didn't know a
timer was ticking..
and that my heart was
an improvised explosive
device like that.

To make a long story short,
whenever I thought of her,
everything seemed to feel right.
As in, right as rain.
Spot-on.
On target.
Bullseye.
A one-hit kill.
Not so much a headshot,
but.. a heartshot.

And spending more time with her
opened my eyes; and inevitably,
my heart, as well.
Do I regret having held back and
waited.
No.
I think it actually helped.
Do I regret having thrown caution
to the wind.
Did that sound like a complaint?
Do cows eat grass?

Needless to say,
we're no longer two people.
We're a couple now.
We're no longer two.
We are one.

And I wouldn't want to
have it any other way.
And I know neither would she.

I love you, babe.