A Matter Of Pride

This is a long-delayed post from a few years back, 
that got buried in the mire; unearthed now, as it seems. 
For posterity purposes, perhaps. 


Learning from the lessons of the past.





Now that the storm has cleared, so has ours.
Four months is not a very long time.
But for us, it was an eternity.
Now that all's been said and done,
it'd be easy to say it's all gravy
from here on in, but it's nothing to boast about.
Sure, a sigh of relief is expected, and a period
of de-stressing's in order.
But, like she said a few weeks ago, now that
everything's in the past, you can only relive it
in your mind, and think of the what-if's and the
what-might-have-been's.
True.

What if I had 'lowered' my pride, so to speak,
and kowtowed to another chance?
Noble, at the very least, would be the word.
Also, risky.
But, risk is all part of the game.
Nothing risked, nothing gained.
God, I hate overused sayings.
But, there you go.

Yeah, what if..?
She says, I wouldn't give up my pride and run after her.
That's why she 'ran away..'
Clearly, she was waiting for me to say something,
aside from my constantly pointing out her mistakes and
failures, which she had been begging me to openly blurt
out since day one.
I am not very vocal about things like these,
especially with her. Past experiences shaped me this way.
And to avoid conflicts from escalating into bigger ones,
I decidedly opted to be non-confrontational.
Sometimes to my detriment.
But, these past few weeks, I could no longer
let things transpire as they usually would,
so I began voicing out sentiments.
So, now that I express how I feel, it's considered
destructive criticism.
Foul, she cries.
Now that I'm talking (back), she can't handle it?
Did she think I'd let her do all the talking?
This is a two-way street.
There's no one-way sign.
Speaking of one-way..
She sent this message not too long ago..

If you want my game, play by my rules.

So it's like that?
She wants a slave, not a boyfriend.
A servant, not a lover.
A 'boy,' not an equal.

She also said
"I love you but you're so torpe.."
Honey, excuse me..
it's not a matter of being torpe..
I wanted to make sure.
In an unsure situation such as ours, in this unsure world we live in,
where you consider yourself as a sigurista.. well, so am I.
Y'know, it's more than a matter of pride.
It's about her pride, too.
If she has hers, so do I.
And the thing is, we're just too proud
of ourselves to give in to each other.
So much for equality.

I would have given in, had I also been
given some semblance of assurance that past failures
and errors would be corrected.
Not so much of a promise, but an equal effort to
make things work.
But clearly, she just wanted ME to change, and
carry on with herself, unchanged, intact, as is.
In other words, I change, and she doesn't.
Take it, or leave it.
I would have been more than happy to
give her her fair share,
but she's not exactly communicating clearly enough.
Sayang.
She said that I wasn't much of a boyfriend, and
I retorted that "I can be a great boyfriend,"
which she replied with "then prove it.." to which
I say, she never gave me the chance.
Coz everytime I'd like to do something nice,
because she does something nice for me, she brings it
toppling all down, with her erratic, belligerent behavior.
Why is it that issues need to be made,
where they are obviously unnecessary?

Which brings us to where we are now.
It's funny how she says I have the nerve of
checking out her blog.
And why shouldn't I?
It's a free world.
It's an online blog, deal with it.
But, she keeps herself updated of my video links
via news feed, commenting on something I posted, then
decidedly deleted, and assumes it's for a reason she
conjures in her mind.
When, for the record, it had nothing to do with her,
whatsoever.
Now, that's the nerve, hahaha!
She's the proverbial pot that call the kettle black.

In retrospect, you've gotta hand it to Carole King.
Her forty year old classic ringed true then, as it does today.

Two prides that don't want to give in
have no place together in the world.
Still, I would have given in,
been chivalrous, kind, and maybe even
gentlemanly.
Which is not a bad thing.
The question remains..
would it be worth it?

Because four months of fighting is not a relationship.
I may not have given as much as I took,
but perhaps the little things I gave,
maybe in their own little way, albeit
small and shortlived, may have meant something.
Even if just a little.

And though she's no longer the official girl,
but the official(ly history) girl lol..
I can't help but (still) feel sorry for her.
Had she not seen my candidness and honesty,
instead of interpreting it as arrogance; had she
realized that she, too, was as bullheaded and
pathologically hurtful, things could've turned
out pretty differently.
She doesn't sulk, she says.
She comes out better from a crisis, she says.
Does she, really?
From this one?
If she doesn't sulk; neither do I gloat.
And I'm not gloating.
I'm not happy how this ended.
Nor happy it ended, period.
Nor happy.

But the storm's over.
Tomorrow, the sun will shine.

It more than just a matter of pride.

Is that you, John L..??

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go.. 

- "Ordinary People," John Legend



It's funny how two hearts can "talk" to each other,
let alone two people communicating without conversing.
Knowing what the other is thinking, reading their moves,
intuitive in every aspect.





Congruence.

Alignment.

Telepathy, perhaps?

Perhaps.






We're just ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow.. 
This time, we'll take it slow.. 

Five Years

It's been five years.
Wow.
Have you ever blown the dust off an old blog,
brushing the old cobwebs away and pored through
a seemingly miasmic nebula of thoughts and words
you never imagined your mind could conjure?


Welcome to my world.



Five years.


Skimming along the ancient posts of blog/s stalked (lol), I came upon this, a blindsiding curveball.


A poem from the bleak, bleak past.


From someone..



He may not give you flowers, but you may give him yours.. 
for even though he's cynical as much as you are, 
he takes chances and gambles for you.. 
don't expect him to be the sweetest man nor the most romantic 
just take him for who and what he is.. 
He may be cold sometimes, and sarcasm may pierce you through 
but if he makes you laugh, gives you criticisms and advices..take them. 
Although it may hurt, take them. 
It's the most precious parts of him. 
He makes you laugh, makes you cry pushes you away 
when you reach out and try but he's the man you not let go.. 
he may not love you today, but someday, who knows? 



Thought to have been absurd, it waxes poetic.


Heartfelt.

Hopeful.

Naive?

Perhaps.

But honest.

Honesty is a good thing nowadays.

The truth will always set you free.


Always.


This deserves a spot on a post.

If I don't let this out, I feel like my heart's going to explode..
it's so riveting, so frustrating, so many different things I'm feeling
right now, I don't know which one to feel, or when one ends and another
begins.

I just don't know what to feel anymore..

The anxiety level is so incredibly great, just thinking about things
is enough to crush my head like a proverbial melon.. nervousness, tension,
it's weakening.. draining..

I just want to break down, crawl curled-up into a corner and quietly
whimper in tears.. and the worse thing about it is.. i don't know, i don't
know, i don't know, i don't know.. I don't know so many things I need
to know..
It's like disengaging an improvised explosive device, where one false move,
and everything you know gets blown to bits.

I wish I knew what I could do..

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Sigh..

The past few days have been delightfully wonderful, to say the least.
Spending time with someone who means the most to you is nothing short
of the best. You wish every moment could be frozen in time, everything
coming to an Inception-like halt, freezing everything in its place,
except for the two of you. Living within the warm embrace of the other,
her every kiss, cherishing every gaze into her eyes,
while the whole world stands still.

But time marches on, and these moments come and go; but the feelings live on,
taking on a life of their own, in our hearts. And though those past few days
were my happiest after a long time, puzzling questions remain.

Where are we at right now? Where do we go from here?

My heart leapt, and continues so.
Anxious, questioning, not confused but rightfully puzzled.
I know in my heart I shouldn't rush.
And I won't.
Should I let fate step in?
Leave it to the Universe to decide.
But, one thing's for sure.
I believe in love.
And I believe the words to this song
says what I want to say, and how I feel about you, Ella..

It's all because of you..

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time
To tell you why
I say it's infinitely true

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
every afternoon

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

Its all because of you
Its all because of you

Always Be My Baby (Slight Revision)

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now I wanted to be free
So you let me fly
'Cause you knew in your heart babe
Our love will never die, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on and on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

You didn't cry, no
And you didn't beg me to stay
I was so determined to leave, girl
And you didn't stand in my way

But inevitably I'm back again
'Cause I know in our hearts babe
Our love will never end, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

Baby, I was wrong
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way I'll ever shake you, babe
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

Well, here I am, I'm back girl
Coz my days and my nights've been a little bit colder, oh
I know that you'll be back, too babe
Baby believe me, it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby