If I don't let this out, I feel like my heart's going to explode..
it's so riveting, so frustrating, so many different things I'm feeling
right now, I don't know which one to feel, or when one ends and another
begins.

I just don't know what to feel anymore..

The anxiety level is so incredibly great, just thinking about things
is enough to crush my head like a proverbial melon.. nervousness, tension,
it's weakening.. draining..

I just want to break down, crawl curled-up into a corner and quietly
whimper in tears.. and the worse thing about it is.. i don't know, i don't
know, i don't know, i don't know.. I don't know so many things I need
to know..
It's like disengaging an improvised explosive device, where one false move,
and everything you know gets blown to bits.

I wish I knew what I could do..

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Sigh..

The past few days have been delightfully wonderful, to say the least.
Spending time with someone who means the most to you is nothing short
of the best. You wish every moment could be frozen in time, everything
coming to an Inception-like halt, freezing everything in its place,
except for the two of you. Living within the warm embrace of the other,
her every kiss, cherishing every gaze into her eyes,
while the whole world stands still.

But time marches on, and these moments come and go; but the feelings live on,
taking on a life of their own, in our hearts. And though those past few days
were my happiest after a long time, puzzling questions remain.

Where are we at right now? Where do we go from here?

My heart leapt, and continues so.
Anxious, questioning, not confused but rightfully puzzled.
I know in my heart I shouldn't rush.
And I won't.
Should I let fate step in?
Leave it to the Universe to decide.
But, one thing's for sure.
I believe in love.
And I believe the words to this song
says what I want to say, and how I feel about you, Ella..

It's all because of you..

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say it's all because of you

And here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time
To tell you why
I say it's infinitely true

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
every afternoon

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

Its all because of you
Its all because of you

Always Be My Baby (Slight Revision)

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now I wanted to be free
So you let me fly
'Cause you knew in your heart babe
Our love will never die, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on and on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

You didn't cry, no
And you didn't beg me to stay
I was so determined to leave, girl
And you didn't stand in my way

But inevitably I'm back again
'Cause I know in our hearts babe
Our love will never end, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

Baby, I was wrong
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way I'll ever shake you, babe
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

Well, here I am, I'm back girl
Coz my days and my nights've been a little bit colder, oh
I know that you'll be back, too babe
Baby believe me, it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

In limbo

Struggling..

Missing her..

Epiphany

All this time, I've been in denial.
This thing called 'ego' is a bitch.
One that needs to be slayed.
All this time, she was right there
in front of me.. and I merely ignored
her.
Regret truly comes at the end of the story,
not in the middle nor in the beginning.
Like my grandma used to say "nasa huli ang
pagsisisi.."
How true.
Now that I've realized that I had everything
I was looking for, and hoped to ever have,
she's gone.
I saw her yesterday, in the hopes that I could
win her back. I poured out my heart to her,
telling her how I really felt, and how I was
sorry for putting her through all the shit for
the past four months.
I don't blame her for leaving, quitting, and giving up.
I drove her away, and for that I'm truly sorry.
If only I had treated her right.
She'd still be mine.
She told me she forgave me, and that I should forgive
myself as well.

I just want to say that she did more in those four harrowing
months than my ex did in five years.
That's the God honest truth.
I downplayed her great unselfish deeds and didn't give her
the credit that was due her.
I'm such an asshole.
And as much as I'd like to forgive myself to be able to
move on, this is one thing I don't know if I will be able to.

I know she finds it hard to believe that I love her.
I told her, "I love you.."
too late.
I hardly said it, if at all, and hardly showed it.
Fleeting snatches here and there, but mostly blurred by ego and pride.
Ego and pride.
How I hate you.
And I know that there's this tiny miniscule of feeling left.
I could see it in her eye, when I asked her if she no longer
wanted me.. she didn't say it, but she asked me if I wanted her
to say it. These are words no one ever wants to hear; but I feel
that she does. It's an unexplainable feeling.
But, it's there.
I know she's afraid it'll just be more bullcrap like before.
That's why she sought solace in someone else.
And I don't blame her.
Though it puts me in a maddening limbo-like state,
there isn't much I can do about it.
Though she's severed communication, I only dwell in the hopes
that I may get the chance to make her feel my love,
perhaps in the future.
When, in her words, I am the better 'me.'
Hope is the only thing I have left.
It's not much, but it's something, better than nothing.

She thinks I'm just being impulsive, that it's only a
'flashback' reminiscing kinda thing I have for her now.
It's not.
It's my realization of having had the love of your life
in your life, and not loving it, cherishing it, and caring for it.
She is indeed a big loss.
Why would I bother pursuing it, if she wasn't?
If she wasn't worth anything?
And to speak of her worth, it's immeasurable.
The wonderful things she did for me; unselfish things.
The unselfish love, is simply amazing, and cannot be
passed off as mere gestures of kindness.
She really really loved me.
And I was such an asshole.

I would like her back in my life.
But, at this moment in time, I'm not too sure about it.
She's on to other things; and I know I am probably but a faint
memory in her mind now.
She said that I should grow up, and move on.
I'm all for that; it's about time.
But, I would've preferred that I grow up, and grow with her.
Admittedly, I may not grow as exponentially as she,
and she's light years in thinking for her age.
Another thing that I love about her.
I told her that I needed her, because she always steered me
in the right direction, whenever I go astray, which was almost always.
She told me to just read all our previous advice-laden chats.
If she only knew that they may all be there, eyes only.
But, I miss hearing it all from her herself.
I used to ignore these, at times in disdain, thinking
that it was merely nagging; to a certain extent, she had to nag
the stubborn me, but the advice was pure.
It's one thing to read the good advice; but the nurturing
feeling that goes with the advice being espoused
directly from her lips.
I never thought I'd say it, but I truly miss that.

I miss her.
I miss everything about her.
I even miss all the "bad" things that she did,
that I thought were part of her 'dark side,' but in retrospect,
they were all adverse reactions to MY 'bad' things, MY 'dark side..'
Why would I even miss all the 'bad' stuff, if I didn't love her?

And I do.
I miss her. And I love her.
I miss her loving.
We met once at the mall, me sitting in a bookstore,
browsing a book and she came up behind me, and hugged
my neck, planting a kiss.
Those little things, I miss.
I miss you.

She once told me "I'll give you the love that you deserve.."
and she did. Higit pa.
How I wish I didn't fuck things up.
I fucked up, bigtime.
And I'm sorry I did.
'It's a cycle..' she said, and I should break it.
Shards of the ex, disrupting the current.
I should cut it off, and come clean.
But, it's different now.
My ex, though we spent five years together, did do
things in a way, they were shallow and meaningless.
Trivial, at best.
I admit it when she said that we lasted that long,
because we were both shallow. She got us there, spot-on.
And that's what makes her different, and this situation
different from my ex.
She's not shallow. She's deep. She's meaningful.
I realized this too late, and I long for this.
I want her to be part of my life again.
I'm going back, instead of forward,
in the hopes of getting her back.
Why?
Because she was the one girl who really REALLY loved me,
and loved me for who I was, faults and all, and never,
as that song goes, wanted to ever make me change for her.
She's the real deal.
True and genuine.
And that's why I love her.
Albeit slow and late.
I'm slow, and I hate it.
Karma's a bitch, when you're slow
and at the receiving end.
And I hate myself for it.

And though I tried the best as I could to win her back,
other forces are in play. I may have minor advantages,
such as geography, and physical presence, the latter has
been negated.
And she's feeling something for this guy.
Albeit distant, it lays waste to the shitload of crap
I dealt her in the past.
And I hate myself for that, too.

Will I get through to her? Do I think she sees the sincerity
and honesty in me; or does she just see right through me?
Thinking of it has taken its toll on me.
In many ways than one.
I'll try to not think about it, and let fate do its job.
Maybe, maybe not; I don't know.
No one knows.
Maybe she knows.
She asked me, "what am I gonna do?"
alluding to the fact that I told her my feelings.
I said "only you can say what happens next."
It'd be unfair to tell her to dispense with the other,
and carry on with me.
I want her to decide.
And I know in my heart, that there's still something there.
She may be afraid that it'll be the same ol' song and dance.
But, I know, too, in my heart, that I want it to be different.
I want things to be better. Greater.
I want everything to be open. Free. Clear. And moving in the
same direction.
And have a truly give-and-take relationship.
Not her giving, and me taking, and not giving anything in return.
None of that bullshit.
No more.
There are a lot of things I'd like to change in my life.
But, there are also things that I can't change, such as
the things that make me who I am. I know I couldn't possibly
change the things that define me.
But, I can always alter it a bit, and make it a better components
of the machinery that is me.
I just hope it's not too late.
She said I should fix things within my life.
I'm all for that, and I am.
Having her in my life is the one thing I want.
That's all.
I don't ask for much.
I don't need material things.
I need her.
I want her.
Because, after all is said and done, in the end..
we both want the same things.

I love you, Ella.

The urge

The urge is creeping in.
Being a loner, but never alone
can be tough.
Like they say.. at the end of the day,
you're alone.
With your thoughts; with yourself.
Me, myself and I.
But, the urge..
it creeps, still.
Sometimes, I'd like to give in
but having gone through what I have..
it makes me think twice.
Thrice.
Tenfold.
To the power of ten.
Funny how psychosis can scar.
For now, solace.
Back to solitude.